I find it difficult to write these things without a purpose and yet I have really been missing the writing. I now find myself in the somewhat awkward position of having too many thoughts running around in my head and no sense of what to make of them, combined with the desire to write something/anything… so you will have to forgive me if this thing rambles a bit…
I do not really have anything interesting to say. On the one hand, I do not think that most any of what I have written here in this corner of the “blogosphere” (another of those stupid words that I do not like…) has been in any way interesting. BUT, that was never really the point. For as much as I am not a true Seinfeld fan I will venture to say that this blog is akin in some ways to what they were trying to do… tell stories about nothing.
I was at “the property” yesterday… that sounds weird to say/write, but I do not really know what else to call it at this point. When I started writing this blog-thing “the property” was home, and in some ways more importantly, the focus of a huge undertaking that I had imposed upon myself. That undertaking, (for those unfamiliar, the building – as single-handedly as possible – of a timber frame home) proved to be the catalyst for a whole series of unforeseen events. I started writing this nonsense just about a year ago and in that time I have experienced more change than I really know how to process. But, the changes started about the same time as the trees being felled. Not sure if that is an omen of some sorts or not.
So anyway, as I was saying, I was at “the property” yesterday. Ostensibly working, but more actually just sort of aimlessly wandering around. I did accomplish things, but there was no real rhyme or reason to any of it. There is a big “SOLD” sign at the head of the driveway and most of the logs are gone. The big stack of timbers is still sitting there, along with other various building materials, as well as the ill-conceived, and now abandoned, wood shed foundation… not to mention the new house foundation pad. The timber working tools – chainsaw, peavey, timber-jack, various chains and pulleys, logger’s tape, milling attachments, etc. – all seem a bit foreign and pointless now, lingering in the mostly empty shed as they are.
I have until the end of the month, just under two weeks, to vacate the premises, as it were. On the one hand I should be elated… I guess. But truth be told, I simply do not know how to process this reality. It is true, I am in a new home, verily in a new life, and one that I am unwaveringly happy to be a part of… married as I am now. BUT, that does not change the reality that I have experienced – continue to do so – a heck of a lot of change in the past year or so. The project is abandoned; the timbers for sale. The logs and property sold. The yard and garden are overgrown, the shed and garage mostly empty. The dogface dead and gone; her house sitting empty, her run rusting in the rain.
Moose season is coming to a close and I have not had the chance to go out. The reality of the situation is that I do not have the time, nor do we have the space. We have three and a half freezers full of food that we have raised and/or gathered ourselves. There is no room for a moose. But that is beside the point as “hunting” is not exclusively about putting something in the freezer. We have harvested plenty. I am supposed to be building a shed at home. It is a weird parallel to last year, when I was supposed to be building a shed. That one got started, this one, I cannot seem to get excited about. That one was a challenge, this one a chore. The thing about chores though is that one does them for a good reason; in this case, two of the said freezers need shelter.
Curling season is starting, but I am not joining this year. Maybe I should, but somehow the drive is not there. We plan to start going back to CrossFit next month and while I claim to be excited about that, some days that too seems pointless.
Winter is coming. I should be thinking about skiing. Instead I feel adrift. Aimless. Listless. Not unhappy per se, but uninspired. There is no dogface with whom to go out and revel in that first new snow… which would seem to be lurking around with old man winter somewhere in the hills north of the ‘banks. This is not the best way to stare down October… but it is coming, along with the cold and the dark. Something’s gotta give.
I titled this post “Spare Change” trying of course to be clever. Hoping that it would give me some direction… the intention of course meant to reflect upon all of the changes that have occurred in the past year. I wonder now if “Loose Change” might not be better; as in that lost and forgotten, cast off currency that hangs around accumulating in the corners. “Spare Change” almost implies a boon, that which one is wont to give away carefree. “Loose Change” implies a bit more desperation; that castoff resource that we have all clawed through couches and under car seats to find in order to hopefully gather enough of to buy that one more cup of coffee for the road.
Anyways, I guess I did not quite intend this direction, but there you have it.