World Keeps Turning

Benign Paroxysmal Positional Vertigo (BPPV); a non-life threatening, episodic sensation of uncontrollable motion or dizziness, instigated by movement of the head. It is more than just a dizzy spell, let me tell you.

How much more you ask? OK, pretend you are experiencing the worst, clammy hands, cold sweat, puking in a bag, dear god when will it stop, motion sickness you have ever known. Got it? OK, now layer that with the worst, falling down, can’t walk and can barely crawl, cheap whiskey drunk you can imagine…just before you hurl and pass out only to wake up hours later to deal with a days long hangover. Got it? OK, stick with me. Now, just for fun throw in an acid flashback or three just to get the slightly alarming, telescopic visuals in there. Now shake it all up and do that for three days.

Admittedly, this, like many things occurs on a sliding scale. It started unexpectedly and largely without warning on Friday. Felt a bit funny, thought I was hungry tried to drive to grocery store. Barely made it to the parking lot and ended up in the ER… scared. They checked me out, diagnosed me, drugged me and sent me home with a “no telling what caused it and it could last hours, could last weeks” assessment. Sunday was the worst by far. All of that business described above on full tilt. Crawling too fast would send me to the floor with the shakes and wrenching pain in the gut.

I have eaten very little since Saturday. Some parts of each day seem better, but never right. Walking is difficult, but at least I can walk now… slowly. It is better if I only turn left, but that, obviously, makes things difficult. Backwards is very bad. It is hard to call this “episodic” as it has not ceased. Granted it does exist on the scale I mentioned and can sometimes be sort of managed. At times just deep, resolute, focused breathing can fend off the nausea. Ultimately though, the only respite is laying in the fetal position on my left side.

Anyways, just thought I would share since it is a very unique and ultimately interesting experience; that something so small…that is, otoliths, or tiny crystals in the fluid of one’s inner ear…can wreak so much havoc by being slightly out of place. That said, I would avoid the experience if I were you.

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…a unique and irreplaceable being.

Just over three days now. Saturday is the BIG day as we have been calling it of late. Currently we are in the throes of chasing around the last minute details and in the course of doing so have many times wondered aloud at the number and types of questions we never even thought to ask. I guess that is why many people hire a professional to plan their wedding. Thankfully we are keeping ours small-ish.

Yeah, you read that right. I am getting married this weekend. Such a thing tends to put a whole different spin on one’s perspective of the world. I will not go so far as to say that this “come to me in a vision”, but I will say that there has been an undeniable certainty to it all. I have contemplated writing about it before now, but somehow with everything that has been going on, it never seemed right. The words were not forth coming. To say the least I have been distracted and it has not all been because of the rapid approach of the BIG day.

Most immediate is the wretched fact that two weeks ago today I hired a person to murder the dogface. Not really, but most times that is how it feels. It was actually peaceful. The vet was very nice and sensitive, my beloved fiancé – we will call her Shenanigans (since I tend to avoid direct names here) – was incredibly understanding and supportive, and ultimately I think the dogface was ready to go. I selfishly had hoped that she would spare me the decision and go of her own accord, but it came to a point where I had to acknowledge she was hardly experiencing a life worth living. She had mostly stopped eating and was wasting away. She had barely been drinking and was so dehydrated that the vet had difficulty securing a vein for the injection. She could hardly get up and walk around as her back end had mostly failed. I trust that she is in a better place now, chasing slow rabbits and frolicking in new fallen snow, but dammit I miss her. And dammit it hurts. Every day.

the end

The interesting thing is that both of these situations might be viewed as two sides of the same coin; both are surrounded and defined by love. The title of this post is a portion of the following quote:

“The highest function of love is that it makes the loved one a unique and irreplaceable being.”
Tom Robbins, Jitterbug Perfume

In Shenanigans, I have found the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. In that (and in so many other ways) she is “unique and irreplaceable”. I have spent the past 15 years (the only other person I have spent that much consecutive time with in my life is my mother…) with the dogface, sharing some of the most incredible, most difficult, most emotional experiences in my life and in that she too is “unique and irreplaceable”. Now, I do not mean to imply that I am comparing my very soon to be wife to my recently deceased dog… that would be silly and may likely get me in trouble.

What I am trying to do, without reservation, is explore the experience of love. Complicated, many splendored, patient, elusive… however you want to describe it, love can be a tricky business to define or explain. I do not really even want to try. Would rather try to touch the moon. It does however seem feasible to address it in these terms.

Love involves a connection between individuals. It involves trust and vulnerability. It involves caring and hope and belief. It involves devotion. It involves emotion. Love is a bond, and that is the common thread here, in my experience. The developing of one and the passing of another. But then, one might suggest that this sort of bond is more of a continuum; no beginning, no end. Love is and always will be.

I will be the first to admit, I have made a LOT of mistakes in life, many in the “name” of love. I am still learning about love and hope to continue to do so for the rest of my life. I do not claim to know anything beyond the extent of my experience and even then I am hesitant (read THIS for example, if you have not already). I will venture to say that I am recently experiencing love in ways I have never before, in ways beyond my comprehension; exemplified in both particular instances. In many ways, and again I will refrain from attempting to explain, each of my recent experiences – one in the recent past the other in the immediate future – have helped to “define” the other. There is some strange sense of completion, of fulfillment, of understanding.

But, I will end there and instead leave you with another quote…

From “Still Life with Woodpecker” by Tom Robbins

“Love is the ultimate outlaw. It just won’t adhere to any rules. The most any of us can do is to sign on as its accomplice. Instead of vowing to honor and obey, maybe we should swear to aid and abet. That would mean that security is out of the question. The words “make” and “stay” become inappropriate. My love for you has no strings attached. I love you for free.”

And so it goes. We are getting married on Saturday. Outlaws indeed…

malvin and cobbes